Seeing Me

Posted on November 10, 2012

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Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I’ve spent a good bit of my adult life hiding who I really am, from myself and from others. I try not to do that any more, but most of the time I am still hidden.

I am hidden behind assumptions.

I am hidden behind my own physical appearance.

But the real me is in there, and sometimes, for a moment, I see. My hope is that I can do something to put that person forward, so that’s who everyone sees.

My fear is that it’ll just lead to rejection if I do. And the reality is that in the balancing of choices, weighed against other considerations, the real me plays not just second fiddle, but more like eighth chair flute. My kids, my career, and my relationships all trump my identity.

I know there’s a space somewhere between being a selfishness asshole and being a human doormat. I’ll be damned if I know how to find it.

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